Making friends. Again.

I need to learn how to make friends.

I mean, I need to learn how to make friends again.

Growing up, I learned how to make friends as a kid. I learned how to interact with classmates at recess, and how to find a spot at the lunch table. Despite not being familiar with all of the Spice Girls, I learned how to handle fourth-grade birthday parties and later, slumber parties. I had friends at school and friends (well, cousins) to play with at home. Friends were everywhere I went. The same continued to be true in high school and college. I lived with friends. I lunched with friends. I studied with friends.

But then I graduated. When I moved to a one-bedroom apartment in Charlotte, graduate school was my job. I had three courses that met once a week, typically in the early evenings. My classmates were for the most part older than me. They already had established lives, many of them with full-time jobs and families of their own. They weren't looking for new friends.

See, all of my life until then, friendships had been fairly easy. Everyone needed the people around them to fulfill their need for friendship. This peaked in college, where we were all in the middle of cornfields and couldn't go anywhere else but campus for entertainment.

One of the things I am realizing, though, is that my perception of adults not looking for new friends is inaccurate. Many adults, even those who are married with kids, do not have a strong group of friends. In fact, I'm starting to suspect that many of them feel the same way as I do. They're looking for friendships, but just haven't learned how to make friends again. They're making the same assumption about me as I make about them.

But making friends as an adult is different, and in my experience, much more difficult. I'm still learning how to do it.

I read an article recently that explained key factors in forming friendships. Here's what I remember:

• friendships form from seeing another person on a regular basis, especially if it's a natural occurrence and you don't have to schedule to meet-up
• friendships form after spending a significant amount of time with another person
• friendships form as a result of confiding in another person
• friendships form as a result of asking another person for help

So, with these in mind, I'm going to be a bit more intentional about making friends. And since I often struggle with those last two things, I'm going to need practice.


Is anyone else learning how to make friends again? Do you have specific tips on how to do so? If you're in the same boat as me, I'd encourage you to intentionally seek out new friends with me.

Change the channel.

With access to both Hulu Plus and Netflix, I can watch almost any television show I want. Not only that, but I can watch episodes back-to-back without (many) commercials at any time. All I need to do is press play.

But I've found with the availability and ease of watching television, my standards have dropped. Growing up, there were only a couple shows per television season that had an on-going plot, and they only came on once a week. So, every Friday night my family would all sit down for one hour to watch Diagnosis Murder. These days it isn't unusual for my family to all sit down in the living room and plug-in to laptops and iPads to watch whatever show we're currently consuming. Mom can watch her cooking shows while Konni watches teen drama and Dad watches the Tour de France. And as I have begun to watch television series alone, I have been faced with decisions to make about where my standards are.

Here are some of the reasons I have skipped over or quit watching certain TV shows:

• Offensive language. This one is fairly simple. The more you hear words spoken, the more likely you are to think them or speak them. I don't want to subject myself to thinking or speaking offensive language.

• Violence. This is both a moral stance and personal preference. Not only do I not want to be de-sensitized to physical harm, but my stomach can't handle it either. Don't get me wrong, though. I can (and do) watch murder mystery shows. For some reason, I can stomach the gruesome body parts and autopsy scenes, but the actual acts of violence require a hand over my eyes or a quick turn-of-the-head.

• Characters with bad characters. Unlike the previous reasons, this one is harder to detect without actually watching some episodes. I tried watching Breaking Bad because I had seen lots of facebook friends post about it and knew that some respectable friends enjoyed it. But I only made it through three full episodes, and I regret the last two. Before watching, I was under the impression that the main character felt forced to supplement his chemistry teacher salary by making and selling meth in order to care for his family. As I watched, the main character made poor decisions and performed morally atrocious acts. I watched two more episodes hoping that the character would repent or redeem himself, but his moral character just got worse. I cannot continue to watch shows in which the main character the audience is supposed to "get-to-know" is someone I can't learn something from or shouldn't hang-out with.

• Glorified immorality. This is somewhat different than characters with bad characters. In Breaking Bad, the main character's immorality wasn't glorified. Here I'm talking about shows that manipulate the audience to desire its characters to engage in immoral behavior. The characters might otherwise be kind, generous, honest, and loving, but their immorality is portrayed as both understandable AND desirable. For example, I have seen a few shows recently in which a main character is in a "loveless marriage" and finds an attractive friend of the opposite sex who "understands them." These shows get their audiences to want the main character to have an affair. It is one thing for a show to depict an immoral behavior as acceptable, but I cannot tolerate a show to depict an immoral behavior as desirable. This is the reason I didn't make it very far in Nashville or Scandal.

And here are some things I watch, but need further thought:

• Homosexual relationships. I still watch because I also watch shows in which the audience is expected to approve of characters' pre-marital sex. I figure if my standards allow the implication of acceptable pre-marital sex it should also allow the implication of homosexual sex. I'm still thinking about whether I should watch this because at least the pre-marital sex is between a man and a woman the way God created sex to be. Homosexual relationships are an even further distortion of God's intention. The only show this calls into question for me is Modern Family, so not much is at stake.
• Reality dating shows, aka The Bachelor. Okay. This one isn't as relevant to me anymore because I gave up this show a few seasons ago. But I gave it up because my TV preferences matured, not necessarily because it fell below my standards. I watched for the awkward dates, romance, and drama. I question whether I should have been watching at all because of the immodesty, sexism, and horrible example it is for real relationships. Yet, it didn't seem terribly harmful to my psychology and I know many mature Christian women who enjoy the show. So I'm still wondering about this one.

Do you ever change the channel for moral reasons? What makes you change the channel? Is there something I forgot to list or that I should think about including? What is right on the line for you? I'm interested in hearing others' thoughts on this as I continue to think about it myself.

Happiness is NOT the Truth.

I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. -Jesus

I almost wrote one of those annoying, get-up-on-my-soapbox Facebook statuses, but instead decided to post it here. So, excuse me while I climb up.

Many megachurches have come to use secular songs in their worship services. This post is not about whether or not megachurches are right or wrong to use secular music. This post is about whether megachurches should be using a particular secular song:

"Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do" - Pharrell Williams

In the past month or so, I've seen two megachurches perform this song. One of them performed it very well, actually. Both used the song at the beginning of the service in preparation for worship. But I'd like to take a minute and reflect about the words these churches used to prepare believers to bring glory to the Lord.

This seems like a very innocent secular song about happiness. It seems like a clean, wholesome, family-friendly, feel-good song. But these are not God's standards for worship. Bringing glory to God means displaying His character, which includes beauty, justice and truth.

The part of this song that irritates me the most is the claim "happiness is the truth." Let me be clear, HAPPINESS IS NOT THE TRUTH. Jesus is the truth. The gospel is the truth. Christ's suffering on the cross for you and me is the truth. The resurrection is the truth. So, worship leaders singing and imploring believers to "clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth" is not something that exalts the glory of God.

The use of this song in churches might also perpetuate a common misunderstanding of the gospel. Many people are led to believe that if they do what God wants, He will make them happy. But this is simply not true. Just ask Job. Or, better yet, look at the life of Christ. Jesus lived perfectly, yet suffered to the point of death. His life was not happy. His life was holy. In the Scriptures, we are called many times to be holy. Not happy.

Don't misunderstand me. Happiness is good and I'm sure God cares about our happiness. But it isn't what he expects of us and it has nothing to do with truth. I wonder about the believers in these churches that weren't happy. When I heard this song in these churches, I happened to be at a place in life where I am happy and I can rejoice in it. But some people suffer. I can't imagine how they felt when their worship leaders asked them to clap along because happiness is the truth. I hope that they did not feel like God was asking them to be happy. Or that something was wrong with them because they were not. In fact, suffering is a good indicator of obedience to the Lord and bringing Him glory. So, we shouldn't expect Christians to clap along, because happiness is NOT the truth.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)

Personal Identity. In Christ.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Today's post is about personal identity. I specifically want to focus on the question of how we know someone is the same person they were in the past. In other words, how am I the same person I was when I was 10?

Philosophers like to use thought experiments to clarify difficult concepts. Derek Parfit uses thought experiments to illustrate what is required for someone to be identical to a person in the past.

The thought experiment is this: Imagine someone had a brain transplant. Their brain was transplanted into someone else's body. The person who wakes up after surgery has all of the same memories, character traits, beliefs, and desires. Their last memory is of being put to sleep before surgery and wake up to the doctor informing them that the surgery was a success. Is this the same person as the person before the surgery?

The common response to this question is yes. Most people can imagine that a person can survive a brain transplant, waking up to inhabiting a different body. I don't think I have this intuition, but since many do, I'll assume it.

What I'm really interested in determining is how we judge whether the person has survived the transplant. Apparently Parfit's qualifications are that they share memories, character traits, beliefs, and intentions. Certainly these are important factors we would use to judge whether the person had survived the transplant. 

The Bible tells us that Christians receive a new identity in Christ. So if our identity is made up of memories, character traits, beliefs and desires, what does it mean to have our identity in Christ? I'd like to suggest that receiving an identity in Christ means receiving new character traits, beliefs and desires. It also involves a transformation of our memories from being about ourselves to being about Christ and his sovereignty in our lives. So, unlike the person who survives the brain transplant, the person who accepts God's offer of salvation is transformed and no longer the same person.

But are memories, character traits, beliefs, and intentions the only essential properties of personhood? Let's consider another thought experiment, offered by another philosopher, Donald Davidson. (Warning: philosophical thought experiments are often fantastical in nature)

Imagine that you go outside and get struck by lightning and die. At the same time, a windstorm hits a swamp and molecules get arranged in the same way and form as you had. The result is a person who has all of your memories, character traits, beliefs, and intentions. This person walks out of the swamp looking just like you, and since they have all of the same memories, they believe that they are you. They walk to your home, talk and act just like you, interact with the people you know just like you would and live your life. Is this person the same person as the person who was struck by lightning?

The common response to this question is no. So if Swampman has your same memories, character traits, beliefs and desires, what does he lack that makes him distinct from you? My answer to an audience of philosophers is agency. My real answer is the soul. By both of these answers I mean the aspect of a person that has the power to act as a unique individual and be autonomous. Although Swampman shares the same psychology as the person who died by lightning, they do not share the same power to act.

So when we receive new identity in Christ, not only does our psychology change, but our actions will change, too. 

"By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked." (1 John 2:5b-6)

life.

So I decided to post an update on some of the things going on in my life for all of you who don't live with me and don't hear me talk about the day-to-day stuff.

--- I'm writing my master's thesis this semester. It's going to be around 60-70 pages, I think, and I've got about 20 so far. The paper is on tolerance, dealing with moral pluralism in the biomedical setting. If everything goes smoothly and it gets approved, I will graduate on May 12 with a Master's of Arts degree in Ethics and Applied Philosophy.

--- As of now, I have nothing planned after May 12. I've submitted applications to seven philosophy Ph.D. programs, although I'm not 100% sold on the idea of doing school for another 5-6 years. I've already been rejected from UNC-Chapel Hill (which I'm ok with) and I'm still waiting to hear from the other six. For your information, many of these schools receive over 200 applications for 7 or 8 spots in their program. I just want to get accepted to two so that I feel like I have a choice. I also would need an offer of full-funding, cause I definitely won't agree to 5-6 more years of school if it means being in debt, too.  I'm expecting to hear rejections from some of the more highly ranked programs first, and then hopefully a couple offers from the mid-range programs. I'll keep you all posted as the letters come in.

--- I'm a Teaching Assistant for Introduction to Philosophy, and I LOVE it. This semester brings new students and a different professor with a different syllabus. I have much more freedom and much more responsibility than last Fall. I created my own syllabus for my own Friday discussion section, with my own assignments and my own rules for class. I take attendance, grade papers, hold weekly office hours, and answer emails from students. It's the real deal.

--- Even though I'm living with my family, I've been attending a different church. As I've told many of you, I also inadvertently joined a singles small group. I didn't know it was going to be a singles group, and I'm definitely the youngest member. We meet biweekly, and we represent a wide range of ages and backgrounds. While this is not exactly what I would have signed up for, it's a good reminder to me of the variety within the body of Christ and the edification that can happen because of that diversity.

--- Here's a short list of other, random, less-important details of my life: I'm technically the president of the graduate philosophy club (so I'm trying to put together a couple events for that), I recently experienced one of the more embarrassing moments of my life (luckily only one person witnessed it), my schedule is such that I get Tuesdays and Thursdays off (which is awesome), my commute to school is over an hour both ways (so any music/podcast/audiobook suggestions would be very well-received), and  yesterday I negotiated a friend down from taking me out to get a drink at the bar to getting drinks at Starbucks after class (clearly, he doesn't know me well).


So, that's pretty much all you would ever want to know about my life right now. I just wanted to write it all down because I know that I don't cover it all in conversations with my long-distance friends, and the ones who know about this little blog of mine care enough to be interested in the details. :)

marriage thoughts.

I'm sick of hearing Christian pastors and authors talk about how hard marriage is and how much work it takes. I cannot count the number of times I've heard sermons, lectures, or discussions on things like how to know if he/she is "the one," what singles can do to prepare for marriage, and how to treat your husband or wife once you're married. There seems to be a disproportionate emphasis on solving marriage problems than on the value and significance of having a good marriage.

After hearing a sermon or finishing an article on marriage, I usually come away thinking something like, "why would I ever want that?" or perhaps worse, "I'm glad I'm not married." Now maybe I'm alone on this, or maybe other singles enjoy sermons on the difficulties of marriage because it leaves them feeling relieved that they aren't dealing with marriage problems. But, I HATE feeling this way.

Those that know me well, know that I spent a significant amount of time and energy writing a 40ish page paper on the Greek text of Ephesians 5:22-33, aka the "wives submit to your husbands" passage. Through the paper-writing process, I learned a ton about God's purposes for the marriage relationship and the special status it has as a representation of the awesome, intimate, and fulfilling relationship between Christ and the Church. By the time the paper was finished, I had nothing but the highest respect for marriage. Which is why I hate when a Christian author or pastor gives a message focusing on the hardships and trials of marriage without sufficiently acknowledging how great it is.

I get it. Marriage is hard. The divorce rate in the church is inexcusable and church leaders are making an effort to combat the reasons for failed marriages. False expectations, infidelity, dishonesty, addictions, you name it. These are all sins which need to be preached against and repented of. However, I'm not sure why I rarely hear positive messages on the nature of marriage itself and the ways it represents Christ and the Church. Maybe they don't want to alienate the singles or divorcees in the audience, but I, for one, would welcome a message that uses real marriage experiences to illustrate how awesome marriage can be.

I mean, if marriage is a reflection of the Church's relationship with Christ then shouldn't it be natural for Christians to be able to point at marriages and say, "That's the kind of relationship Christ died for"? If people really understand the beauty of the gospel, and if they truly understand how a good marriage exemplifies that beauty, then wouldn't they be strongly motivated to work on their marriage so that the beauty of the gospel is on full display?

I'm sick of hearing messages trying to improve marriages defensively. These messages focus on how to avoid miserable marriages and divorce. They typically give advice about choosing the right spouse, getting premarital counseling, improving communication, forgiving, dealing with tragedy, and balancing time between children, spouses and God. Again, these are all good topics, but by concentrating on a list of dos and don'ts, these message imply that a good marriage is one that merely survives.

Instead, Paul's teaching on marriage gave practical advice, but included a greater perspective by focusing on the value of the marriage relationship to the message of the gospel. So my final point is this: There is nothing of greater importance than Christ's work on the cross; marriage is privileged by being a representation of what Christ did and why. Reminding ourselves of this valuable aspect of marriage should make marriage seem less like a chore and definitely should deter Christians from deciding they don't want it anymore.

Am I alone in this? Is anyone else tired of hearing about how hard marriage is and how much work it takes?

Tim Tebow, Jesus, and Victory.

Ok. First of all, I'm just going to ignore the fact that I only blogged once last year. You should, too.

Well, as any human being who has been on the internet today knows, Tim Tebow had an amazing win last night. And I, along with millions of other people, witnessed it.

Today, all I could think about was the game last night. I had a hard time concentrating on my work, and Tim Tebow occupied the majority of my thoughts throughout my hour-long commute. But the main thing that I kept coming back to was this question: "How can Tim Tebow think about anything else today?" Let me explain.

Here I was, trying to shake off my thoughts about the victory last night so that I could focus on what I needed to get done. In my attempt to accomplish daily tasks, I realized that I'm just a fan. Then I began to wonder (as I'm sure most fans do), how awesome would it be if I were his friend?!?

All day I continued to reflect on the glory of the Bronco's victory, trying to figure out just how significant that OT play was. Then I thought of a comparison that makes Tim Tebow's victory seem mundane. That comparison is to none other than Tim Tebow's (and my own) Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Tim Tebow is famous for comebacks. 4th quarter, exciting plays. He (and the rest of the team, let's give them their credit) pulls out victories when there seems to be no hope. All Tebow needs is a little time left on the clock, and its Tebow Time.

People wear crosses around their necks, get tattoos of the cross with a crown of thorns around it, and they make a cross across their body when they pray. That's what Jesus is known for: the cross. But the reason why people celebrate the cross is because it was the greatest victory ever. Jesus rose from the dead three days later. He returned when the clock had already run out. Now THAT, my friends, is a comeback.

If that's not enough, here's the real kicker. I'm not just a fan of Jesus. I'm his friend. I know him. In fact, his victory was for me. Can you imagine that the greatest victory of all time was done for you? and you have the opportunity to personally know the victor?

I don't know how long people will be celebrating Tim Tebow's victory. Probably just this week, until he plays again on Saturday. Then, more games will be played, other quarterbacks will have success, and eventually Tebow-mania will end.

Jesus' victory was so significant and so powerful that we're still celebrating it 2000 years later. No one else can match it. I can confidently and continuously celebrate. It is finished.

How can I think about anything else? 1 Corinthians 2:2